~ One More Night ~
I would sell my soul to the devil to spend one more night with you.
Where I could feel your love and know that every word you say is true.
To have one more night to lay with you and feel your embrace.
As you smile down upon my tear soaked face.
The warmth of your lips pressed against mine,
Would be enough for me to plead with Satan for more time.
Laying together once more as self proclaimed husband and wife.
We would create together a small new life.
A life so beautiful, amazing and pure!
That the deal I made would just seem like a blur.
Sooner or later Lucifer will come to collect on his debt.
And I will go quietly without any regret.
Not because I want to but I have to you see.
Because I'd willingly give everything just to have you spend one more night with me.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sunday, July 5, 2009
~ Don't Speak ~
 | Keep quiet now and don't say a word. What you have to say isn't desired to be heard. Keep it all bottled up deep down inside. Just nod your head and smile while you lie. For what you feel isn't important to anyone but you. It doesn't matter if what you say is true. So, hush little baby and don't you cry. Continue the fight to just get by. Just keep on pretending that everything is alright. While tears soak your pillow every night. Don't ever let those feelings out. No matter how loud you want to shout. They can never be unleashed. If they are you'll have to face the white coated beast. For they do not matter and they make you weak. So, Hush now little baby and don't speak! ~ Topaaz ~ |
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
My Internal Holocaust
~ My Internal Holocaust ~
- I find myself descending a spiral staircase
-With each turn I find myself deeper than before
-The light that once shone the way strains to reach me
-The shadows edge ever forward
-Determined to consume all in its wake
-Devouring the living and the non- living equally
-Panic rushes in waves over me
-Wondering if I shall ever see the light again
-Or shall the darkness become my final resting place
-I struggle against the abyss
-Using all that is in my arsenal
-Fatigue sets in and I grow weaker by the minute
-Sheer desperation overwhelms my being
-For I know that only one can win
-As things grow ever dimmer, I fear the final outcome
-Which one will be the Victor this time
-I am horrified to think that this may be the last battle waged
-Which side shall lay claim to my Mortal soul
-If there is any soul left to be claimed in the end
-This is my internal holocaust
~ Topaaz Moons ~
1/11/09
A Note to my X-Husband: Please don't waste my time or yours to post some ignorant, arrogant, asinine and anonymous comment to my poetry or postings. Yes, this poem is about depression and no it does not mean that I am depressed or suicidal. It is my hope that writing about what I've experienced will help others become more understanding of those that battle this illness. So, as the old adage goes, if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all.
Have a Nice Day!
:0)
- I find myself descending a spiral staircase
-With each turn I find myself deeper than before
-The light that once shone the way strains to reach me
-The shadows edge ever forward
-Determined to consume all in its wake
-Devouring the living and the non- living equally
-Panic rushes in waves over me
-Wondering if I shall ever see the light again
-Or shall the darkness become my final resting place
-I struggle against the abyss
-Using all that is in my arsenal
-Fatigue sets in and I grow weaker by the minute
-Sheer desperation overwhelms my being
-For I know that only one can win
-As things grow ever dimmer, I fear the final outcome
-Which one will be the Victor this time
-I am horrified to think that this may be the last battle waged
-Which side shall lay claim to my Mortal soul
-If there is any soul left to be claimed in the end
-This is my internal holocaust
~ Topaaz Moons ~
1/11/09
A Note to my X-Husband: Please don't waste my time or yours to post some ignorant, arrogant, asinine and anonymous comment to my poetry or postings. Yes, this poem is about depression and no it does not mean that I am depressed or suicidal. It is my hope that writing about what I've experienced will help others become more understanding of those that battle this illness. So, as the old adage goes, if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all.
Have a Nice Day!
:0)
Monday, April 28, 2008
Going Down Ms. Jarrell?
Going Down Ms.Jarrell?
Going Down?
Doors open..
Watch your step!
Empty...
Hollow shell...
Gated doors clang shut...
Behind me...
No Exit!
Frightened...
Down...
Down...
Down...
Sinking!
Alone...
Troubled...
Free Falling...
Downward...
Crash!
Pain...
Sorrow...
Despair...
loneliness...
Darkness..
Void....
Invisiable..
Hidden...
Can’t focus!
Can’t see!
Wet...
Raining....
Sprinkle...
Torrential....
Flooding!
No Rope!
No help...
No rescue...
On my own...
Again!
Light spotted!
Run!
Faster...
Faster...
Faster...
Must catch up to the light!
Almost there...
Trip...
Fall...
Light Fading...
vanishing....
Disappeared....
Stumple forward....
Going down?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
~ An Ode To My Husband ~
~ An Ode to my husband ~
Lies weight me down like boulders upon my chest
Making it hard to breathe as your words I try to digest.
The bile rises forth with each secret kept from me
Tears rage forth from my once trusting eyes making it hard to see.
You told me you loved me forever you vowed
How was I to know that betrayal was allowed?
You were merciless with your bitter words and hollow heart
I wish your affair never did start!
For who has paid for your 5 months of playing house ?
Why it’s been me and the children you sorry ass Louse!
You may no longer be with her but I really don’t care
The damage has been done and it is beyond repair!
You destroyed our family and tore apart our home
And discarded us like a toothless comb!
Now anger rages like a wild animal within
All because of your selfish monthly nights of sin.
For months after I changed the locks on you I cried.
The pain was so immense that I thought I would die.
Then in my spiritual hemorrhaging I found a little fight
Which helped me find my way out of the darkness & into the light.
You thought you had beaten me and won.
In the end little man I will have my two sons!
You can have all the material things I really don’t give a shit!
Because for once I won’t have to put up with your childish fits!
You can no longer control me or abuse me as you wish
I’ll fight you with everything I have including my Fist!
You thought it would be easy and I would just lay down
Well, you're sadly mistaken me for a circus clown.
For in the end I will still stand tall
For I will have my children and that is having it all!
~ By: Topaaz Moons ~
1/17/08
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
~ It's Official! ~
It's Official! My hubby finally got his Associates degree this week. Here's the proof. I'm so proud of him! He's worked so hard for it and he's made great grades doing it. I know it makes him feel good to accomplish this goal. It's just a stepping stone because now he's well on his way towards his Bachelors degree. I couldn't be happier for him.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
~ Upside Down Your Turning ME! ~
I’m frustrated and confused right now. My life is upside down and inside out at this point. Emotions run high and it makes for a head spinning ride of confusion. My brain has reached melt down mode on several occasions I’m ashamed to say. Not to mention the fact that it’s spinning so much that I literally don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I can’t focus, I’m not sleeping, I’m constantly forgetting shit and I’m making strange and stupid mistakes all the time. I feel like a foreigner in a different country except I’m a stranger to even myself.
This all started back in May when someone I love very deeply betrayed me. Then to add insult to injury I was made to look like a fool by this same person and their cohort. This person shows absolutely no remorse for what they have done. Nor do they feel they have done anything wrong. The devastation that I have felt means nothing to them. Hurting me as they have seems to be perfectly acceptable. No attempt at making amends has ever been made. I’ve been told to forgive and forget and get over it. Wish it was that simple but it’s not. How can I trust this person again when they truly aren’t sorry for what they have done to me and aren’t even willing to attempt to make things right? They didn’t just break my heart but they broke my spirit and shattered my soul.
It has just continued to snowball from there. Each month that has followed has led to fighting between the two of us. It’s reached the point to where the fighting is constant. I’m constantly being attacked on a daily basis. I’m tired of having to defend myself from someone that I love. I’m tired of always being bashed, berated, put down and verbally beaten up everyday from the time I wake up till the time the other person goes to bed. I just can’t take it anymore. I just want it all to stop!
In the process I have been cut off from any showing of love or affection from this individual. That hurts me deeply and they know this hence why they’ve done it. I’m a very affectionate person with those that I love and when I’m not getting it returned to me it cuts me deeply. The only affection that has been given to me in the last month( if you want to call it that) has been sexual. Only for me to be treated like a dismissed whore the next morning.
I have tried to reach out to this person and work things out. I’ve tried to compromise only to get verbally beaten for my attempts. I wish this person would just punch me and be done with it because the emotional beatings are crippling me.
Also during this time other things have come to light that has made me very suspicious of this individual such as them locking their cell phone and changing their password on their laptop. It’s not that I go on their laptop because I have my own but because they were hiding their betrayal from me. I’ve come to learn that this persons has betrayed me in other ways as well. And when I request honesty from them I’m yelled at and called a bitch. Their defensive posturing against my search for honesty is just one more sign of them hiding something from me and frankly, it pisses me right the fuck off when people insult my intelligence.
My trust in this person has been completely annihilated to almost extinction levels. Yet, knowing this they refrain from any attempts to even try to make up for it’s loss or earn it back. Honesty seems to be a foreign concept for this person. I hate being lied to more than anything else and they know this. It’s been lies that have caused more damage to our relationship than anything else. Again it all comes back to trust.
There are several issues surrounding our relationship that needs to be rectified. Yet, they refuse to acknowledge or deal with any of them but the most trivial and solvable. So, even though I love this person with every ounce of my being I’m left facing the painful reality that the only future we have at this point is divorce. Unless they’re willing to go get marriage counseling and stick with it. But that’s no guarantee of not getting divorced either however it does show an attempt at making things right. I really don’t want a divorce but I can’t take any more verbal beatings or betrayals either.
We no longer share a bed at this point. He’s doing it to punish me and I’m doing it cause it hurts to much to lay beside him at night only to be treated like shit in the morning. This individual has came out and told me on 3 separate occasions that they want a divorce and I’m to the point that I quit and they can have one. I still love him with everything that I am and everything I have. I can’t just turn my feelings off like a light switch for I’m not a robot but a human being with thoughts and feelings of my own.
I guess I just always thought that if two people loved each other mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually they would and could work through anything. I’m completely crushed to think that his love for me isn’t as mine is for him because if it was none of the betrayals I’ve been dealt would of happened. Not only that but this person would truly and honestly be sorry and make an effort to make things right again. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic thinking that love can overcome anything. Because I believe that when two people love each other they’re willing to fight for that love.
This all started back in May when someone I love very deeply betrayed me. Then to add insult to injury I was made to look like a fool by this same person and their cohort. This person shows absolutely no remorse for what they have done. Nor do they feel they have done anything wrong. The devastation that I have felt means nothing to them. Hurting me as they have seems to be perfectly acceptable. No attempt at making amends has ever been made. I’ve been told to forgive and forget and get over it. Wish it was that simple but it’s not. How can I trust this person again when they truly aren’t sorry for what they have done to me and aren’t even willing to attempt to make things right? They didn’t just break my heart but they broke my spirit and shattered my soul.
It has just continued to snowball from there. Each month that has followed has led to fighting between the two of us. It’s reached the point to where the fighting is constant. I’m constantly being attacked on a daily basis. I’m tired of having to defend myself from someone that I love. I’m tired of always being bashed, berated, put down and verbally beaten up everyday from the time I wake up till the time the other person goes to bed. I just can’t take it anymore. I just want it all to stop!
In the process I have been cut off from any showing of love or affection from this individual. That hurts me deeply and they know this hence why they’ve done it. I’m a very affectionate person with those that I love and when I’m not getting it returned to me it cuts me deeply. The only affection that has been given to me in the last month( if you want to call it that) has been sexual. Only for me to be treated like a dismissed whore the next morning.
I have tried to reach out to this person and work things out. I’ve tried to compromise only to get verbally beaten for my attempts. I wish this person would just punch me and be done with it because the emotional beatings are crippling me.
Also during this time other things have come to light that has made me very suspicious of this individual such as them locking their cell phone and changing their password on their laptop. It’s not that I go on their laptop because I have my own but because they were hiding their betrayal from me. I’ve come to learn that this persons has betrayed me in other ways as well. And when I request honesty from them I’m yelled at and called a bitch. Their defensive posturing against my search for honesty is just one more sign of them hiding something from me and frankly, it pisses me right the fuck off when people insult my intelligence.
My trust in this person has been completely annihilated to almost extinction levels. Yet, knowing this they refrain from any attempts to even try to make up for it’s loss or earn it back. Honesty seems to be a foreign concept for this person. I hate being lied to more than anything else and they know this. It’s been lies that have caused more damage to our relationship than anything else. Again it all comes back to trust.
There are several issues surrounding our relationship that needs to be rectified. Yet, they refuse to acknowledge or deal with any of them but the most trivial and solvable. So, even though I love this person with every ounce of my being I’m left facing the painful reality that the only future we have at this point is divorce. Unless they’re willing to go get marriage counseling and stick with it. But that’s no guarantee of not getting divorced either however it does show an attempt at making things right. I really don’t want a divorce but I can’t take any more verbal beatings or betrayals either.
We no longer share a bed at this point. He’s doing it to punish me and I’m doing it cause it hurts to much to lay beside him at night only to be treated like shit in the morning. This individual has came out and told me on 3 separate occasions that they want a divorce and I’m to the point that I quit and they can have one. I still love him with everything that I am and everything I have. I can’t just turn my feelings off like a light switch for I’m not a robot but a human being with thoughts and feelings of my own.
I guess I just always thought that if two people loved each other mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually they would and could work through anything. I’m completely crushed to think that his love for me isn’t as mine is for him because if it was none of the betrayals I’ve been dealt would of happened. Not only that but this person would truly and honestly be sorry and make an effort to make things right again. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic thinking that love can overcome anything. Because I believe that when two people love each other they’re willing to fight for that love.
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