I’m frustrated and confused right now. My life is upside down and inside out at this point. Emotions run high and it makes for a head spinning ride of confusion. My brain has reached melt down mode on several occasions I’m ashamed to say. Not to mention the fact that it’s spinning so much that I literally don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I can’t focus, I’m not sleeping, I’m constantly forgetting shit and I’m making strange and stupid mistakes all the time. I feel like a foreigner in a different country except I’m a stranger to even myself.
This all started back in May when someone I love very deeply betrayed me. Then to add insult to injury I was made to look like a fool by this same person and their cohort. This person shows absolutely no remorse for what they have done. Nor do they feel they have done anything wrong. The devastation that I have felt means nothing to them. Hurting me as they have seems to be perfectly acceptable. No attempt at making amends has ever been made. I’ve been told to forgive and forget and get over it. Wish it was that simple but it’s not. How can I trust this person again when they truly aren’t sorry for what they have done to me and aren’t even willing to attempt to make things right? They didn’t just break my heart but they broke my spirit and shattered my soul.
It has just continued to snowball from there. Each month that has followed has led to fighting between the two of us. It’s reached the point to where the fighting is constant. I’m constantly being attacked on a daily basis. I’m tired of having to defend myself from someone that I love. I’m tired of always being bashed, berated, put down and verbally beaten up everyday from the time I wake up till the time the other person goes to bed. I just can’t take it anymore. I just want it all to stop!
In the process I have been cut off from any showing of love or affection from this individual. That hurts me deeply and they know this hence why they’ve done it. I’m a very affectionate person with those that I love and when I’m not getting it returned to me it cuts me deeply. The only affection that has been given to me in the last month( if you want to call it that) has been sexual. Only for me to be treated like a dismissed whore the next morning.
I have tried to reach out to this person and work things out. I’ve tried to compromise only to get verbally beaten for my attempts. I wish this person would just punch me and be done with it because the emotional beatings are crippling me.
Also during this time other things have come to light that has made me very suspicious of this individual such as them locking their cell phone and changing their password on their laptop. It’s not that I go on their laptop because I have my own but because they were hiding their betrayal from me. I’ve come to learn that this persons has betrayed me in other ways as well. And when I request honesty from them I’m yelled at and called a bitch. Their defensive posturing against my search for honesty is just one more sign of them hiding something from me and frankly, it pisses me right the fuck off when people insult my intelligence.
My trust in this person has been completely annihilated to almost extinction levels. Yet, knowing this they refrain from any attempts to even try to make up for it’s loss or earn it back. Honesty seems to be a foreign concept for this person. I hate being lied to more than anything else and they know this. It’s been lies that have caused more damage to our relationship than anything else. Again it all comes back to trust.
There are several issues surrounding our relationship that needs to be rectified. Yet, they refuse to acknowledge or deal with any of them but the most trivial and solvable. So, even though I love this person with every ounce of my being I’m left facing the painful reality that the only future we have at this point is divorce. Unless they’re willing to go get marriage counseling and stick with it. But that’s no guarantee of not getting divorced either however it does show an attempt at making things right. I really don’t want a divorce but I can’t take any more verbal beatings or betrayals either.
We no longer share a bed at this point. He’s doing it to punish me and I’m doing it cause it hurts to much to lay beside him at night only to be treated like shit in the morning. This individual has came out and told me on 3 separate occasions that they want a divorce and I’m to the point that I quit and they can have one. I still love him with everything that I am and everything I have. I can’t just turn my feelings off like a light switch for I’m not a robot but a human being with thoughts and feelings of my own.
I guess I just always thought that if two people loved each other mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually they would and could work through anything. I’m completely crushed to think that his love for me isn’t as mine is for him because if it was none of the betrayals I’ve been dealt would of happened. Not only that but this person would truly and honestly be sorry and make an effort to make things right again. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic thinking that love can overcome anything. Because I believe that when two people love each other they’re willing to fight for that love.
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